Watching the Colloseum

I feel sometimes like I've been slipped a drug. A drug to distract me from so much that life has to offer. The colloseum drug. I await it's call and my obesiance follows it. I knew what it was a long time ago. I know it and yet I don't seem to be willing to break it's awful soul-sucking cycle. Laziness? Apathy? Who knows? What I do know is that it is real. It is real and I know it. I can't claim any ignorance. So it comes to choice, like choosing to do good, or bad, or even choosing to do neither.

I pray for it's end, this colloseum drug. This sedation, repression, addiction and oppression. I have to find a way to resist, a way for my will to be bigger than it. It being the self styled need I think I have for it. Changing one part seems easier said than done.

We all have a colloseum drug. The voyeur drug. The watcher drug. The entertain me drug. We fail to find our own creative drives and seek it's replacement with something not of our own motivation, but for our own "entertainment". It's a sickness, a plague we lovingly cling to when the nights are seemingly endless, when the days tell us we needn't toil or strive. Would we seek to make ourselves utopian this way? Sate the masses with distraction. It is what we cling to, we eat it up because we are told to. We make our own folly! We beg it's beginnings and it's endings. We control it's flux and flow and we revel in it. Communication is the goal, not mindlessness. Yet we find the latter to be suitable. Conditioning ourselves to accept this is what is wanted. We flock to it, like gulls to the Walmart parking lot.

I don't want to be bigger than it, but I don't want it to be bigger than me.

Dreaming of Buffalo

The first one yeah it was shocking, I drove a chopstick into the eye and brain of a buffalo. It was going to trample me and my kids. It left me unsettled and so I let it go. Yet it sat in my mind.

This morning my husband tried to wake me up and before I truly woke up, the same buffalo came running across my vision.

Buffalo has caught my eye now, and now I will pay attention. Much like the snakes I had always dreamt of since I was a small child. I always feared them and they were EVERYWHERE always surrounding me, but they never bit me. I was always very scared of them.

I have been a lost one, a woman trying to find and belong to somebody who wished to include me truly as their own. I have been searching for a people who would claim me. I feel heritageless. I know it shouldn't matter in the highest of priorities of life. It doesn't override the daily love I receive.

Today is a day I need to remember that yes I belong to somebody, a family and a people.

It's not all it's cracked up to be...

Sometimes I wish I could rip out my heart just so I don't have to feel.
Many people are seemingly fine doing that.

Reading a few words from somebody who wrote something today really had me thinking and feeling. Railroading me off of my regularly scheduled life-coasting. What's up with that?

Sometimes it feels convenient to have those moments, a sudden rush of truth and clarity. Something with purpose written all over it, and then other times it's (like today)..... frustrating. Not frustrating because I didn't get the point of the statement but frustration because my heart can't take that message today.

So many opportunities in life get set on a backburner due to umpteen different things that just make you feel too busy. Busy busy busy. I'm whining like poor Jan about Marsha (excuse the Brady Bunch cliche). Busy busy busy. I know one of my goals, but it seems like it becomes secondary to the busy, busy.

Simplify is going to need to be one of my focal points for a while. Simplify in the mess of life. Sounds fun right? I don't get that thought going through me when I think about that word.

I'm pretty sure the point of purpose is to keep purpose in and to not let it leak away. Purpose,Opportunity and Simplify seem like the peas in the pod.

"Getting there is the hard part" I'm sure. So will today be it? That's the part I am not sure of. Or is it really not all it's cracked up to be?

Where is Here? How can it be?

I guess for a long long time I've been kidding myself. Thinking I could do better, be better than I was or am. Maybe it seems defeatist, but sometimes it seems that at the very least being truthful to me is the only thing I can do. Maybe now I can see that I am not capable of the things I thought I could do, that was only me living with an illusion... a mirage.

Up close I can see the cracks, the wavy heat lines are gone now that I'm right on top of it now... it's still just a dry spot in front of me. Not really the promised outcome wavering just out of reach, now it's just the reality of it all. I guess that's what it is.